Deep Healing at the Breast of God - By Diane Gilliam-Weeks

Jul 4

BY DIANE GILLIAM-WEEKS

This piece was first published in the July 2025 issue of Refresh - Sacred Feminine’

Editors note: The author and editor have re-published an updated version of this piece to acknowledge the experience of mothers who wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t and to affirm that babies can be nurtured through bottle-feeding in a loving way. The author of this piece is sharing a healing journey stemming from her own experiences as an infant and exploring the cultural factors that influenced breast-feeding in the 1950’s.

In my mystical journey I came to believe that my loving God would be for us what we need God to be.

During my ministry training I had a dream significant enough to take to my spiritual director – who happened to be the wonderful Mark Chamberlain. In the dream a female lion was swimming toward me as I sat on an African lakeshore. At first, I was afraid. She arose out of the water and walked toward me – I was very still, holding my breath. She walked behind and around me to sit down beside on my left, where she looked out over the lake with me. Far from being dangerous, her strength was a comfort – giving me strength.

Mark asked what or who I though the Lion represented – I replied, ‘the Holy Spirit’.

For a time, she seemed to be there whenever I was anxious. She was just what I needed in that season of my life.

Twenty years later, on the annual SGM seven-day silent retreat at Magnificat, I found myself wondering what impact not being breastfed had on my newborn self. Would I have experienced it as traumatic? Could it have affected my self-esteem?

From the Victorian era, breastfeeding in the Western world declined significantly – until the 70’s. One of the causes was increased reliance on pasteurized milk and baby formula products – regarded as acceptable substitutes by upwardly mobile mothers who were loosening their domestic chains. I guess my mother thought she was doing her bit – maybe encouraging my independence. While there are lots of baby pictures of me – there are none being fed. In that era, it was common for bottle fed babies to not be fed on demand – too inconvenient. Nor did she hold me while I was feeding.

Latching onto the breast while being held, looking up into a human face, gazing down at me with love – would have been as natural to me as breathing. Deep in my DNA. Ensuring my survival.

One of my personal lies used to be ‘I’m not loveable’. For ages I had no understanding of just how far back the cause might be. Another belief: I will have to comfort myself – it’s not acceptable to expect it from others. Could God minister to me in that space?

So, at the retreat I decided to do IDT [Interactive Drawing Therapy] with myself to see what would happen. I so trust the process!

First, I drew my mother holding me.

Next a surprising image landed on the page. God firmly told my mother, ‘Pat, give me the baby!’

My baby self was re-mothered by God with wonderful breasts. My deepest most primal need had been understood and met by God – warmth and security flooded through me. I let God be enough.

I’m pleased I allowed myself to enter into this experience and so grateful to God for it.

One of my greatest joys was to breastfeed my own daughter for a year after she was born. I loved every minute of it. I was convinced of its role in healthy infant attachment. I’m sure it was as good for me as it was for her.

Of course I was incredibly fortunate to be able to breast feed my daughter. I recognise what agony it is to discover you can’t. My heart goes out to those who looked forward to it only to have their hopes dashed and not in any way through their own choice. I also know that mothers can hold and nurture their children with bottle-feeding and communicate deep love in the process. Love is the key.

I love the way God is described in the second verse of Shirley Murray’s hymn ‘Loving Spirit’.

Like a mother you enfold me,

hold my life within your own,

feed me with your very body,

form me of your flesh and bone.[i]

Diane Gilliam-Weeks exercises her ministry vocation as spiritual director. At 76 she wants to live according to the unforced rhythms of grace. While her dominant image of God is Jesus as older brother, she’s open to however God wants to reveal Godself. Diane is married to Reg and mother to Jessica and grateful for their love.

This article was featured in the Sacred Feminine issue of Refresh - July 2025.

Refresh is SGM’s journal of contemplative spirituality in Aotearoa, New Zealand. You can view the current issue of Refresh or browse the archives in the Refresh section of this website.