Rachel Kitchens | Contemplative chaos and the art of becoming a spiritual director while raising a family.
An SGM Interview with Rachel Kitchens
Rachel Kitchens is a spiritual director, retreat facilitator, and workshop facilitator for the SGM Spiritual Directors Formation Programme. She is married to Andrew Shamy and is mother to Ella (9), Georgia (7), and James (6). In this blog post, Kathryn Overall has a conversation with Rachel about how her contemplative journey collided with the realities of parenting young children, and how she rested in and journeyed creatively with God during those all-consuming years.
Rachel, what drew you to becoming a spiritual director?
I discovered the Christian tradition of contemplative spirituality while I was still single. I had an excellent spiritual director in Vancouver, Canada when I was studying to get my Masters Degree in Christian Studies from Regent College. I had no idea what spiritual direction really was, but I was very curious!
She opened up a whole world to me of contemplation, stillness, reflection, and that still, quiet space where two people are listening to God together. It was a very sacred experience for me. There were times where we would sit in silence and not say a word. The silence felt ‘charged’ with the grandeur of the Holy Spirit and I was easily brought to tears.
This seemed significant, so when I moved to New Zealand a few years after this with my new husband, Andrew, I pursued another spiritual director in Auckland. I was (again) so curious about what spiritual direction was opening up in me. I wanted to keep pursuing this 'mode' of connection with myself and God, and I decided to do the SGM Spiritual Directors Formation Programme in 2014. At that time I had a 9 month old little girl. I finished my training about two years later, when my second daughter was 6 months old.
It was certainly a juggle to do the study and have two small children, but it was so important to me that I made it work! I’ve been practising as a spiritual director even since and see about 20 people regularly, many of them young people in their 20’s and 30’s.
What does contemplative spirituality look like for you in this busy chapter of parenting? Do you carve out times of silence and solitude? Look for how God is present in the beauty and chaos of everyday life?
The short answer is yes and yes! When my kids were very little sabbath or rest was extremely difficult. My kids are all now in primary school so this chapter is a bit more spacious for me. It’s not always easy in this full season, but I absolutely protect my sabbath/solitude/rest time.
But, here's what it practically looked like when I had 3 children under the age of 4:
Walks were very important for me. Sometimes I could go alone in the early morning, when my husband could do the breakfast shift. This gave me space to walk and pray by myself, either by our local mountain or by the ocean. I would also go on long walks with my young children letting them marvel at creation WITH me.
Some days a walk was pure joy, and these represented moments of sabbath, but other times they were very difficult. I was exhausted from doing night feedings and getting up early with sick children or disrupted sleep.
Basically in those days I took ANY moment as a rest time. Nap times were times to just be with God. Night feedings became about me resting in God and remembering that many people are up on the other side of the world praying for me and my little baby. I borrowed others' prayers and rest during this time. Art was a deep solace. Taking a few minutes to paint a watercolour of a flower I saw on my walks was a sort of rest.
Knowing that God was holding me in this deep space with young children was an absolute solace, but it was a journey for me to learn to trust that.
One day I broke down crying with my spiritual director at the time (who was a Catholic nun) and I said, "Is it ok that I'm sometimes not able to even pray or string two words together? I can't read, or write or reflect like I used to. I"m very tired and I'm doing my best. Can God see that I'm trying my best to love my young children right now?”
And she gave me the absolute freedom and said “YES RACHEL! God sees you and God knows you love your children. It's okay that you can't get to your prayer or moments of reflection like before.”
Let God be with you in your busy moments. Let God be with you.
That was profound. I found the idea of the Liturgy of the Ordinary quite powerful. The concept that God is WITH US as we go through all sorts of daily rhythms and tasks that must be done was so helpful for me.
Photo credit: Kimberley Elizabeth Photography (c) Venn Foundation
What practices have supported you in this chapter of having primary school aged children?
Slowly as my children grew I could get away by myself for longer periods of the day. I'm a natural introvert, and so is my husband, so we are protective of our need for time alone. We work very hard to support each other in our sabbath/rest times. These days I get up early to do about a 30-40 minute prayer walk in my neighbourhood. This is a vital practice and if I skip it I am a total grouch at home!
I also protect my sabbath, which for me is Fridays. The kids are in school, I've done all the housework, my job is to be, delight, create, rest, be present to myself and to God. I protect this day very carefully in the family calendar.
I also try and go on retreat (a long weekend, for example) at least once or twice a year.
In my own personal prayer practice, I've felt the freedom now to move from prayer with words to absolute wordless, silent prayer with God where my internal heart gazes at God and God gazes at me. It is absolute bliss. A whole different world opens up! It is like opening the wardrobe door and stepping into Narnia. It is very real for me.
Rachel Kitchens is a spiritual director, retreat facilitator and workshop facilitator for the SGM Spiritual Directors Formation Programme.
