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Spiritual Growth Ministries
has published a newsletter
twice yearly since our inception in 1981.
Since Winter 2001 this has become the SGM Journal of Contemplative Spirituality,
Refresh.
Click here to access other articles from past issues of the SGM Journal/Newsletter: Archives. Previously, the full version of the SGM Newsletter has been available on the SGM website. With the commencement of Refresh we are placing a nearly complete selection of key articles from each issue on the website. The full Journal is available by mail. There is a suggested donation of $5 per issue (New Zealand subscribers) to help cover costs of publication and postage. Simply email our Administrator, Carole Hunt, with your name, postal address and email address and you will be added to our mailing list:
Spiritual abuse is the term used to describe the pain and wounding to the faith and growth of people caused by leaders, churches, elders and deacons, styles of ministry and forms of church programmes and renewal. It is evident in movements too – e.g. feminism’s treatment of men, patriarchy’s stance towards women. It’s not confined to any single denomination or style of church. However, as we shall see, it tends to develop around certain types of ministry, ways of wielding power, styles of doing the faith, personalities and views of ministry and leadership. The term itself Spiritual abuse is not so well known, but awareness of the feelings and reactions to it abound, and always have! It impacts on a person’s faith and spiritual and personal integrity and relationship with God, freedom in their journeys, ways of praying and of relating to God. When the central truths and experiences of our faith and most loved scripture passages are bent towards ends other than our growth in Christ and maturity of discipleship, it often dawns on us that we are being used or controlled for other purposes – that is spiritual abuse. The impact The impact of this is no small matter. One colleague responded to my reference to spiritual abuse in her life with these words: “When I attempt to describe to someone why I left the church, or the events that led to my departure the term spiritual abuse almost seems like a dumbing down of what happened. It suggests nothing of the turmoil, nothing of the despair and groaning of my soul when I understood that my faith and trust in God had been based on a lie”. Nevertheless it is a useful term to describe a wide range of experiences that leave anything from a vague sense of unease, the source of which is often unclear, through a clear sense of manipulation by spiritual and emotional control, to the deep damage and anger caused by misuse of power and boundary violations. Our journey with God and more deeply into God is ours, uniquely ours, and no one should step in there and mess around with it. God’s grace is unique to each of us and no one should attempt to control or interpret or steer it for purposes other than it is given for, our wooing and growing in the love of God. How much better to give folk the space and time to discover the riches for themselves? Preaching, discipling and house group leading can be done from a spiritually nourishing point of view that encourages exploration of the riches of deepening relationship with God! What kinds of people are involved in spiritually abusing others? “We’ve all been involved in it at one time or another” said a Workgroup member as we discussed this issue of Refresh! While I can’t speak for others I can certainly own to the truth of that myself, to my shame and sorrow. It is so easy to think we know how it is for others spiritually and to attempt to interpret that for them. However, it is clear from the growing literature on spiritual abuse that certain profiles of abusers are emerging: leaders who see themselves as especially anointed by God; leaders who have a strong vision for their church often motivated by a passion for results; people in top-down styles of leadership where the top dog channels the message or vision from God to the people. Often there are personality inadequacies involved as well with lack of recognition of what these are and therefore little or no work on them for healing and wholeness. Usually there is a resistance to deeper personal work through spiritual direction and therapy, and active resistance to these at times. Often there is no professional supervision of work and ministry. “No one is going to look over my shoulder” kind of attitude is a clear misunderstanding of supervision but illustrates a degree of individualism that is dangerous. Abuse can so easily happen when those ministering or leading are workaholics and driven people. It’s amazing how adequate self care, relaxation and spiritual nourishment can bring healthier perspectives into ministry. More dangerous though, is when the misuse of spiritual authority comes from our own inadequate or unhealed personalities, deep seated insecurities, fear of failure or loss of control. There may be a lack of a deep sense of God’s grace and love even when these are often spoken of and preached. It also happens when someone interprets another person’s dreams or places an interpretation on something discovered that comes out of the interpreter’s view rather than allowing it to arise out of prayer and listening to the music of the Spirit. A thought about “passion” – isn’t the only genuinely safe passion God’s passion for us and for all people, and for creation? And isn’t our task to participate in that loving and grace-full service in Jesus name, and with the humility and mind of Christ, as the early Christian hymn printed below has it? Passions tend to produce enthusiasms and methods that are often less than pure and holy, fair and loving. At worst they are wide open to the seductions of power and prestige. Why does it happen to us? Sometimes it comes out of the best of motives – caring for people and wanting the best for them, the problem being that the leaders’ views of “best” may not be the best for others. It can come from the model of church being promoted, especially when it is something that has worked elsewhere and if only we could do the same here we too could grow a church like that! But more subtly this type of power and manipulation can come from desires for power and control, the flip-side of which may be pride, ladder climbing, seeking to emulate someone who has influenced or modelled ministry or church or counselling or spiritual direction for us. I recall our homiletics lecturer when I was a student telling us that as he listened to our sermons being preached in the chapel he could close his eyes and hear the ministers who had shaped and moulded us in our formative years! So the impact of those who have shaped us is significant. In what kinds of churches do we find this abuse? The answer is that it is in every kind of church – wherever authority and power is misused. It’s wherever church rules and authority push people around, draft and regiment them and set restrictive boundaries regarding ministry, worship, service, approach to the Lord’s Table or people’s spiritual growth. It is evident where children and adults are sexually abused and misused, the damage of which filters into every nook and cranny of people’s beings including their spirituality and relationship with God. It has been observed that a church with manipulative, coersive leadership, will eventually take on that mantle and become abusive as well! That’s frightening! Marva Dawn offers this observation, “Our churches act as fallen powers when they forget the cross at their center” (Powers, Weakness and the Tabernacling of God. 71). What do we do with our abuse of others? Acknowledge it – repent of it – seek help whether counselling, therapy, spiritual direction or supervision of our work. Seek forgiveness where possible, apologise and do everything necessary to put to rights the hurts given. Of things contemplative So what does the contemplative way of spirituality offer us here? It starts by honouring each person’s experiences of God as genuine and encourages them to take “a long loving look at the real”. It seeks to help people to see their faith and life in terms of a deepening journey with God of which God is the leader and guide. It aids this by encouraging us to discover the deepening relationship with Christ that is described as union with him. It focuses attention not on achievement, service or obedience but on “listening to the music of the Spirit” and growing in the delicate areas of trust and love. Appropriate service will naturally follow. It does not link blessing and growth with fruitfulness and service. It encourages freedom to explore the whole wide territory of grace rather than the prescribed (and often proscribed) packages of faith that various churches and movements represent. It embraces Paul’s word to the Galatians in his discussion about the tensions between works and grace, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free, stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery” (Gal. 5:1). Freedom, not license - freedom to be a disciple of Jesus, a learner in his school of faith, a journeyer and explorer of the landscapes of grace. Above all, the contemplative way encourages and fosters the owning of all our wounds, the embrace of our weakness where God’s grace is able to be our strength, and the acknowledgement that the response to the good news is to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, and our neighbour as ourselves.
Spiritual abuse is the misuse of power, position and influence for the personal gain of the leader or leaders of an organisation or movement. mazoe .com/abusers It’s possible to become so determined to defend a spiritual place of authority, a doctrine or a way of doing things that you wound and abuse anyone who questions, or disagrees, or doesn’t ‘behave’ spiritually the way you want them to. When your words and actions tear down another, or attack or weaken a person’s standing as a Christian – to gratify you, your position or your beliefs while at the same time weakening or harming another – that is spiritual abuse. David Johnson & Jeff Van Vonderen. The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. Spiritual abuse happens when a leader with spiritual authority uses that authority to coerce, control or exploit a follower, thus causing spiritual wounds. Ken Blue – Healing Spiritual Abuse. IVP 1993. 12. What is spiritual abuse? Just As emotional abuse affects one emotionally, while physical abuse inflicts pain and bodily injury on its victim, spiritual abuse affects one spiritually. It is a result of a spiritual leader or system who tries to control, manipulate, or dominate a person. The control is often in the form of fear. Lois E. Gibson. Spiritual Abuse Website. The religion scholars and Pharisees are competent teaches of God’s Law. You won’t go wrong in following their teaching on Moses. But be careful about following them. They talk a good line, but they don’t live it. They don’t take it into their hearts and live it out in their behaviour. It’s all spit-and-polish veneer. Instead of giving you God’s Law as food and drink by which you can banquet on God, they package it in bundles of rules, loading you down like pack animals. Jesus – Matthew 23:2-4 The Message. All the definitions of spiritual abuse in the literature involve the use of power or authority to manipulate and control. The authority is often a leader but may be, for example, from a church board towards a leader, or a system such as a set of beliefs or a way of doing things which doesn’t allow for individual freedom. Jeannie Cochrane. Spiritual Abuse. See her research paper later in this Journal.
Spiritual Abuse: It’s effects on our naming and experiencing of God, and worship to support change. by Margaret Schrader Many of us are naming the fact that we have been spiritually abused, by parents, teachers, clergy, house group leaders. This abuse affects the way we see ourselves, and our place in the world, our belief system, and the way we see God. I want to focus on the way abuse effects our naming and experiencing of God and an experiment in worship that helps those who have been abused. It seems to me that the earlier the abuse happens the greater its effects on our view of life and of God. Those of us who were abused in our early years may not have the discernment to recognize the power imbalance in the relationship. We find it difficult to recognize that this view is not the only one, or to find the strength to get out from under or challenge it. Sometimes this abuse happens because people teach us about god who punishes, judges without compassion, who looks down from heaven with a big black book and keeps notes of all our mistakes. Other times the abuse is far subtler not necessarily in naming God but by the way those who do interpret God for us treat us. Many of us may describe God as loving, forgiving, just and compassionate but when the rubber hits the road this is not the way we perceive God. It is as though there is a second and perhaps a third level under the conscious one. That is unfortunately what motivates our lives. I often ask people in spiritual direction what they think God is really like? When you’re really vulnerable how do you think of God? These are some of the answers: God is like a hard steel clamp - once he gets me in his vice he won’t let me go. God is like Jekyll and Hyde loving one moment and frighteningly manipulative the other. God is against people like me. I am gay so there is no hope for me. My father sexually abused me and my mother told me I was a dirty little slut and God would never forgive me. I’ve almost dealt with the sexual abuse but it is the idea that God will never forgive me that frightens me most.
My baby died at birth and
my Christian friend told me I must have done When we are in pain or vulnerable others’ words seem to be able to penetrate in to deeper places than they would normally. Our images of God define how we live our lives. If we live with an image of God who is loving we are likely to be loving and secure in the world. If God is one who punishes us for our very being we will live our lives in fear, not venturing to grow, or give up fear and live life dangerously because we have nothing to lose and we believe are already damned. If God is one who demands that we give and give and give without counting the cost, we end up with burn-out or a sense of our own worth being related to how much we give others, without ever allowing ourselves to receive, or just relax in God’s love. If our picture of God is of one who changes from hot to cold on a whim, who is not “the same forever” how is there any security? So we respond perhaps with fear or live our lives without any sense of stability. Unfortunately the metaphor Father so loved by many Christians becomes a stumbling block for others, whose fathers were abusive. Or when the only images of God are masculine. It seems simple for a man to know he is made in the image of God. But a woman or a little girl always has to make a subtle shift when she hears that God is Father, Son, Shepherd, King, Lord and she is made in that image. Perhaps she senses she has to deny her own sexual identity as a female in order to know that she too is made in the image of God. When churches use exclusively masculine images of God they deprive their members of the riches of God. Unfortunately there is often a close link between early abuse, and spiritual abuse. Partly it is that the one who has been abused sexually, if in a Christian environment, often receives spiritual abuse at the same time - e.g. “Don’t tell your mummy or God will punish you.” For others there is the confusing link between love and power, when the abuser is a loved family member. Moreover, the subtle knowing that there are some people who have power over you and that it is not wise to resist, gets translated in later life into a fear of standing up to the abuser or of being in a loving intimate relationship with God Some Suggested Ways Through. So what do we do if we know that we have been abused or are being abused in the church or in a current relationship? How do we work with this? For many of us the very naming of what is happening is all we need and we can get on with life and with God. Others may need to confront the abuser or move to a safer church. But for many others the abuse is too big and they may need help. Spiritual Direction or Pastoral Help We are dealing with very important issues and it is often difficult to see clearly what is going on within our own inner world without a helper. This person needs to be someone you really trust and you know will not reabuse you. Often our prayerful intuition will tell us who this person is. Unfortunately for some of us the idea of praying for the right person is fraught because of our own image of the god to whom we are praying. When you talk to this person, maybe a spiritual director, take it at your pace. You don’t have to tell the whole story at once. It is important that you keep yourself safe. Journal Buy a journal. Make sure it is kept in a safe place and pour out your thoughts and your feelings in writing. Be as honest with yourself as you feel you can be at present. This healing will take time. Give it your time for it is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. If you find you are writing the same thing over and over, try another way. Perhaps write a really honest letter to your abuser (don’t send it) or to God or to the most loving person you know telling them all about it. Draw, paint, clay or collage Chose the colour that most suits your mood and start to make marks on the paper. Scribble or draw your feelings. Draw pictures of God, the one you have been taught to believe in and the one in your best moments you know to be true. Put your feelings in to the clay. Find pictures and words in magazines reflecting what you think and feel and make a collage. If you are drawing it may be good to draw in lots of safety first. This may be a safe border, or a special room or someone or something that helps you feel safe and secure. Use your body Put on music that expresses your feelings and move to it. Go to a private place where you won’t be disturbed like the hills or the beach and tell the waves or the hills what is happening to you. It is OK to yell. God can take it. Scripture Take some of the Biblical stories that are meaningful to you and put yourself into them. The prodigal son/daughter, the woman with the haemorrhage,
The shepherd and the sheep,
Jesus and the children are some I use frequently, or repeat some of your
favourite words perhaps from the psalms or other scriptures. Suck them like you
do a cough lozenge. For some for whom the bible has been used abusively, you may need a sabbath from scripture. Find something else that soothes and meets your need for spiritual nourishment. There are plenty of good books out there. Pray Take the plunge and pray. “Loving God show yourself to me”. Know that the truth does set you free. Visual Helps
It may be that you
have a picture or an object that in some ways mediates God’s unconditional love
to you. I know of people who have pictures of mother and child, of birds in a
nest in the midst of a storm, of Mt Taranaki, of Jesus in the storm, of flowing
water that reminds them of Jesus the Rely on the faith of someone you love and trust Ask a good friend to hold you in their prayers while you do this journey. Sometimes in our families one member will tell lies about a parent and stop another member from relating happily. If that parent is really loving they will do all that they can to make good the relationship with the one who has been hurt. If we do that surely our God will do that even more. God is on your side and continues to long for good relationship with you. If you can’t believe that ask a friend to believe and pray for you. Worship in safety For some to find a place to worship safely is a big issue. In Palmerston North some of us have set up worship times mid week. We call it Sacred Space. Among those who come are some who have felt abused by their churches. We try to offer a welcoming space where we are all free to chose whether we want to be part of the activity or not. There is no force or coercion. There are few words and many of those are in the form of poetry, story or personal stories. No one tells another what to believe. We are often left with a question. We use a variety of ways of helping people have their own experiences of God, using our senses, imagination and various ways of praying and we include a period of silence. We always give opportunities for participants to talk either in small groups or in the large if they chose. While we are Christ centered the images of God are varied and inclusive. For many it is the one safe place they can explore their relationship with God without fearing they are likely to be judged and their experience labelled as wrong. On the wall of my room I have a poster of a rag doll being pushed through a mangle. The words are “The truth will set you free but first it will make you miserable”. I know that from my own experience. The freedom of knowing that God is good, does love me unconditionally and wants fullness of life for me is worth all the effort. I pray that this will be your experience also.
KEEPING MYSELF SAFE FROM SPIRITUAL ABUSE by Ruth Sinclair For me to take responsibility for my own safety is a huge undertaking. It is also a process where I seem to take one step forward and then slide three or four steps back. Slipping back into old hurt is so much easier than taking steps of healing and responsibility and life. To take any one step in keeping myself safe requires a new framework of belief. It requires the development of a new conscience. It was those who abused me who were wrong and not me. I was hurt through their wounding and it was right and proper and wise to begin to take responsibility for my own safety and remove myself from harm’s way. So easy to write. So traumatic and demanding to put into action. Step One: Acknowledge that you are hurting, and give the hurt a name. In this article the name is ‘spiritual abuse.’ Until we acknowledge our hurt and our pain step two is difficult to justify to ourselves. Maybe the best we can say at step one is “I am not coping. I need to get away.” Step Two: Get human help and support to move away from the source of spiritual abuse. I was totally tied into the system and the relationships that perpetuated the abuse. It was impossible to leave. And it was impossible to stay. It took a huge effort to tell a spiritual director that I needed help. I was going to need the strength and the support of company. Step Three: Find spiritually safe places and people. I discovered Taize worship as a safe haven. I also found a church that let me sit like a zombie for 12 months or so. But at this stage many people find that they cannot cope with church at all. Give yourself permission to do what you need to do. Go where you need to go. If the beach or the bush are attractive as places to heal your soul go there. God will grace you in your chosen place of safety and healing. Step Four: Allow yourself the long process of learning the truth: the truth about who was responsible for what, the truth about what is loving and what is not, the truth about anger and the truth about empowerment. Because I loved my abusers it was a long time before a series of nightmares alerted me to my anger and horror at what had happened to me. It was only as I began to own those feelings that I could begin to deal with them. Step Five: Develop a new sense of reality that flows from forgiveness. Until I had owned my anger I could not begin to forgive. Until then I was completely unrealistic. I kept thinking that I could go back into the abusive situation and it would be fine. It wasn’t. All it achieved was a re-traumatisation. I could not understand this, but it was because forgiveness was yet to be miracled within me. When it was I was much more able to say, “Forgive, and be wise! Do not deliberately and unnecessarily put yourself back in harm’s way.” With forgiveness there came a new acceptance of the ideology that led to the abuse. With forgiveness there also came a new acceptance of the person I was who would always find that ideology difficult. God did not require of me that I demonstrate my strength by foolishly exposing myself to a harmful environment. Step Six: Closely related to the last two steps and probably simultaneous to them is the development of a new self concept. Usually anyone who has been abused has low self-esteem. We have often come to believe what our abusers told us about ourselves. As we move away from the abuse and live towards a new reality part of our healing is also a new reality about who we are. We are loved children of God, who are precious and honoured and valued. Step Seven: Live in the present. Just as I have been helped by spiritual direction so I have benefited from the constructive creativity of psychotherapy that has helped me name the past and recognise the present more clearly. I have recently found myself re-traumatised by someone who ‘pushed my buttons.’ It was if I was back ten years reliving the abuse again. I found myself being sucked down into pain and misery. How to deal with this? I can do two things now that I was unable to do ten years ago: Firstly, I can remind myself that this present abuser-look-alike is a button-pusher and not necessarily an abuser in and of himself. They are my buttons he is pushing. My memories. So I needed to tell myself that this was only Bob. He was not in the same position of power as my abusers had been, and I was not the same victim that I used to be either. This was 2002 and not 1993. Secondly, when I had recovered myself sufficiently (with the help of chaplain, tears, coffee, spiritual direction, and several days ‘space’) I was able to write a sensible letter that confronted Bob. Within ten days I had begun to build a new level of understanding and respect between Bob and myself. Oh for the day when I can do that all by myself. Without a chaplain. Without tears. Without my spiritual director. There’s a verse in the book of Revelation that tells of such a day, I believe. And until then I acknowledge my wounds and scars and my dependence on ongoing healing and loving support when the going gets tough.
SPIRITED EXCHANGES - a way forward by Jenny McIntosh I was once asked if it was appropriate for the church to be undertaking such groups as Spirited Exchanges, given that it has often been churches which have done harm to those who leave. I responded with a resounding ‘Yes, it is definitely the church who should be providing groups like Spirited Exchanges.’ When relationships break down, those who are part of the power structure should be the ones to take the initiative and begin the process of reconciliation. Ezekiel 34: 2 b and 4[1] has some strong admonitions to the religious leaders of the day. “…Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? … You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally.” In fact the whole of this chapter has some very pertinent things to say on the subject of spiritual abuse, and the safety and care God wants for his people. Spirited Exchanges is a group that responds to people who come out of churches. The common perception and easy label given to those who leave church is that of ‘backslider’. But if anyone cared to follow up on those people they would quickly find that is a ‘cop out’ term to use. It is a very complex issue and there are many factors at the root of why people choose to leave, spiritual abuse being one of them. The flip side of the same coin is perhaps why some people who should leave for their own health do not. Making the decision to leave is often a huge step, with many things to consider. Things like: • the amount of a person’s life already invested in the church - the greater the investment , the harder it is to walk away from • taboos around leaving not being the done thing • the loss of a community and often close friendships • a sense of being misunderstood • the feeling of aloneness and isolation • the fear of where this is all going to lead, what is happening to me? am I losing my faith? • feelings of loyalty • if there are children, what will happen with them? And yet, the sense of freedom, new perspective and self empowerment on the other side can make it the beginning of a new period of growth, of personal and spiritual development that was possibly never dreamt of. One man who had become involved in the leadership of his church suddenly found that he had to conform to the party line even when he disagreed. When he challenged that he was told that they (the leaders) were the chosen authority figures and that “you can’t disagree with them.” Over a period of time he felt he was pushed into a position of having to comply and in the process felt he lost himself and God. Separating himself from the church gave him the freedom to be able to process what had gone on for him, both from the perspective of what the church was doing and his part in it. He was able to see things in a new light and went on to say: “the conflict served as a catalyst for a lot of healthy thinking about what was happening to him and his own expectations.” A middle-aged woman said: “my confidence was totally undermined and I was made to feel inadequate and useless, that I didn’t have enough faith. The church preached all the right things - love, tolerance of other churches, women in leadership etc, but the outworking was different.” These comments give credence to the words of David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen in their book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. “Whatever the case, the results of spiritual abuse are usually the same: the individual is left bearing a weight of guilt, judgement or condemnation, and confusion about their worth and standing as a Christian.”[2] Spirited Exchanges is held in a Wellington ‘bar and café’ on alternate Sunday evenings between 6.30pm and 8.30pm. It is in the style of a ‘discussion forum’ and designed specifically for people, like the man and woman quoted above, who have left more conventional church structures or are struggling to remain in them. It is for people to process what has gone on for them in churches and enables ongoing exploration of the Christian faith. People are able to express the doubts that once they might not have dared to, re-examine a lot of what they have been previously taught or expected to believe without question, express emotion and even utter the ‘heretical.’ It is through this real and honest exploration, sharing their stories and grappling with what it all means, that people come to a place of deeper understanding and definition of what is important for their faith journeys for the future. We aim to make the discussions not just academic exercise, but rather based in how they impact the group members personally. The topic for the evening is introduced by someone either with the telling of a story or some questions for reflection. There might be more than one side given to the topic, then it is opened up to the group for a free ranging conversation. The main aim for such an evening is to create a safe space that allows people to do the work they need to. In order for that to happen there are some basic ground rules - that we are not trying to produce one answer that everyone must adhere to, there is freedom for differing views and opinions, there is no neat ‘tie-up’ at the end, there is freedom to change their opinions from week to week, and we let God defend God. M. Scott Peck in his book The Different Drum describes such a space as “a safe place precisely because no one is attempting to heal or convert you, to fix you, to change you. Instead the members accept you as you are. You are free to be you. And being so free, you are free to discard defences, masks, disguises; free to seek your own psychological and spiritual health; free to become your whole and holy self.”[3] This is the number one, key component for people finding their way forward. It is only in the atmosphere of acceptance and validation that a person has the freedom to say what they need to, and that then enables them to view it objectively and change it if and when they want to. They are no longer in a defensive position which only serves to shut people down. This is the fourth year Spirited Exchanges has been running and each year one of the first topics we look at is that of spiritual abuse, that being the one that we feel will have the most resonance with people. A lot of people identify with aspects of abusive systems in their church experience. The topics are chosen with input from the group and often these ‘givens’ in the church, such as Who is God? Prayer - through new eyes, Church - what’s it all about anyway? What is heresy? Is there a special plan or is life a random series of events? These are very relevant to the leaver as they help to re-form what is important for them. It is through the sharing of thoughts and experiences around different topics that the group receives validation of their experience, understanding of the different factors coming into play (including faith stage development), what is going on for them, acceptance for who they are and stimulus to reframe and continue on in their spiritual journey. One leaver, after attending Spirited Exchanges for some time said: “After leaving church about a year ago, the only thing I really knew was that I didn’t want to be part of a church like that again. It left me with many questions about what church should be and what I wanted it to be for me. I wondered whether I would ever be able to find anything that I could fit into, or even if any such group existed. Spirited Exchanges has become such a group for me. I feel free there to relax and just be me, without having to measure up to anyone else’s idea of who I should be or what I should believe. At Spirited Exchanges I feel valued and accepted as I am’.[4] This person now receives regular spiritual direction, attends spiritual retreats and workshops, belongs to a post church home group and occasionally makes forays into a church. Every aspect of her life has received new energy and confidence. She has taken a new career path and after reconstructing her faith would say that it is now much more balanced and integrated. A young couple said of Deep Stuff, the young adult equivalent of Spirited Exchanges, “it was like the paralytic in the story in Mark 2[5], whose friends lowered him down through the roof to where Jesus was. We could not get to where God was through the normal doorways, but by going through the roof we were able to find Him and continue on in our spiritual journey.” There is the opportunity for those who come to Spirited Exchanges to remain relatively anonymous. A number have chosen to give us their first names only. There is also the offer of one-to-one support if that is wanted and we promote spiritual direction as a good next step. We have a growing resource of books and articles that may assist leavers on the journey, including a bi-monthly newsletter with helpful articles and reviews that has an increasing mailing list throughout the country. We do not have the agenda of getting people back into the church. That choice is entirely up to them. We do seek to ‘fund’[6](and by that I mean provide resources and support) people to continue in and find greater integration in their faith journey. If any one would like to know more or to receive the newsletter please feel free to write to PO Box 11551, Wellington or email: spiritex@xtra.co.nz Footnotes: [1] Ezekiel 34:2-4 [2] David Johnson & Jeff Van Vonderen, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, Bethany House Publishers, 1991 [3] M. Scott Peck, The Different Drum, Arrow, 1990 [4] Also quoted in my article on Spirited Exchanges in Reality magazine, Dec 1999/Jan 2000 [5] Mark 2:1-5 [6] I first heard this term used by Dave Tomlinson, author of The Post-Evangelical
SPIRITUAL ABUSE OF GAYS AND LESBIANS by David Clark
Have you ever thought what it feels like to have your identity as a person made in God’s image judged by two or three Scripture passages? Have you ever had the experience of having to own to a different sexual orientation to the bulk of the population, and certainly the majority of fellow Christians, and to find that that is constantly judged and, in many instances, condemned. And imagine what it’s like to have assumptions made about one’s sexual behaviour based on myths and stereotypes that few outside the churches hold today. Have you ever thought what it feels like to have your journey of faith, or the validity of your call to ministry and your ordination, constantly questioned and even denied as legitimate? For a pastor or spiritual director to respond to the disclosure of homosexual orientation with scriptural condemnations, or to be met by horror and disgust, can be profoundly disturbing for the Christian lesbian or gay man coming to terms with their sexuality in the context of their faith. Equally disturbing are responses which appear pastorally sensitive, compassionate and concerned, but have as their basis the conviction the homosexual is a wilful sinner needing repentance, is sick and needs healing, or is possessed and needs deliverance. It seems to me that spiritual abuse arises from ignorance of the origins of homosexual orientation and presuppositions about the behaviours of homosexuals. This can include discredited myths about gay males as child sexual abusers and as predatory, as well as a morbid fascination with what gays apparently ‘do’ in bed. The word used to describe this response is homophobia. Often used pejoratively, the term actually describes a deep-seated psychological reaction to and fear of (hence phobia) homosexuality. It can reflect an internal struggle with ambiguities in their own sexuality by the person responding. It is not uncommon for this ‘internalised homophobia’ to be found in religious leaders who respond judgementally and spiritually abusively to lesbians or gays under their care. A most damaging form of spiritual abuse is to refer gays or lesbians to a programme claiming to ‘change’ homosexuals. It is damaging in that just as someone is coming to terms with their sexual / relational orientation, this is challenged by a programme which actually is notoriously unsuccessful. It is unsuccessful because it attempts something as unnatural as trying to turn left-handedness to right-handedness, or to change the colour of someone’s eyes. Such programmes are based on flawed interpretations of scripture and psychology. The disclosure of homosexuality (‘coming out’) often arises from a long internal struggle with one’s own internalised homophobia. The churches are largely (justifiably) not perceived as safe places in which to be known as gay. Someone choosing to disclose their struggle with or acceptance of their sexuality needs to be treated with utmost sensitivity, and with deepest respect both for their integrity and psychosexual spiritual journey and also for their courage and trust in making this disclosure. Sometimes the disclosure is made by someone seeking pastoral or spiritual help with their struggle to accept what is true for them. Sometimes it is made when the orientation has been accepted. In either case, the disclosure is often made anticipating a negative, judgmental response. The positive, non-abusive response will include assurance of love (from the pastor, and from God) and acceptance, of respect and trust, of willingness to walk with the person and to learn what is important to them in this newly disclosed aspect of their being. A speedy removal of someone from a position of church responsibility negates any verbal assurances of love and acceptance. Prying into or insistence upon behaviours in someone’s private life (“are you celibate?”) beyond what is disclosed in the course of a non-judgemental, trusting pastoral conversation is invasive and abusive. In New Zealand, where homosexuality is increasingly normalised (the popularity of TV’s “Six Feet Under”, gays and lesbians in positions of national and civic leadership), and despite decades of enlightened biblical, pastoral and spiritual scholarship, the churches are the least safe and most abusive places for gays and lesbians. It behoves any with pastoral or spiritual direction responsibilities to educate themselves in order to change this unhealthy climate, so this significant minority (many of whom have given up any hope of finding justice and acceptance in the churches) may find a welcome home.
TWELVE STEPS 1. Admit you have been hurt by religion 2. Turn to God as your guide to recovery 3. Examine your faith 4. Face and deal with your anger 5. Avoid negative people and churches 6. Face the Scripture used against you 7. Find positive supportive Scripture 8. Read and study the Gospels 9. Come out and accept yourself 10. Develop your personal support system 11. Learn to share your faith with others 12. Become a freedom missionary
Rembert Truluck at www.truluck.com.
Each step on the website
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